It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
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