yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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