Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
