Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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