Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
