when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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