I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
