I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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