he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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