good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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