There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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