I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
