ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
