you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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