The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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