if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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