I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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