I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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