I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
