he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
