will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
