I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
