I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
