I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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