She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Randomize
