I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Randomize
