I cockslap morals
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
did i walk over a car last night?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
