I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
