separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
