I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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