she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
