Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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