Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
