just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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