I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
