I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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