I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
