this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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