we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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