JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
