I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize