Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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