people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
