She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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