smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
