listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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