Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
