I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
