I wanna passion pit in your ass
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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