Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
...so i touched it.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
