Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
