A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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