you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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