Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize